My 10 biggest fears

I borrowed this off either my friend Darcies Blog or my other friend Denise's blog
But anyways... its My 10 biggest fears. I think most are the same as all of us.

1. Dying. Not Death... I am OK with being dead... I just don't want to have to go thru the dying part... taking my last breath...will it hurt? Will I cry? Will I have regrets? I hope I do not have many regrets. I hope I lived my life regret free.
To be selfish... I hope people cry for me.

2. My children and my husband dying or getting hurt. I am sure this is every mothers fear (and wife's) to imagine a life without our children... our husband, our reasons to live. Its scary, its terrifying and it is something I hope never happens. I do not want to outlive my children. I complain about them all at times, but to not have them around? I cannot imagine. No laughs, no fighting? no back rubs, no "I love yous" That's not a life I want to live.



3. Spiders and other creepy crawly things. I don't have to explain this one, do I? Resizing this picture made me feel all wierd and creeped out... UGH



4. The dark. I sleep with the lights on in the hallway and closet. I fear the dark in such a primitive way. I don't know how I would have lived in the olden times with no electricity. For punishment when I was younger my mom used to lock me in my room and forbid me to turn the lights on... being a child, I did what she said. Even to this day, this decision on her part is still affecting me. I struggle not to let my fears transfer to my children.

5. Balloons and rubber bands. I have a fear of balloons popping and rubber bands breaking. I don't know why it is so, but it is.

6. I fear murder. I am always afraid I will be murdered, kidnapped and hurt. I think this also stems from my mom reading true Detective magazines... as a kid I looked through them and some of the things I read still haunt me today.

7. Ghosts. Dumb, I know... Yet, I still watch "Most Haunted Live" Its not like I live in a haunted house, or have,,, its just the idea of something or someone there that I cannot see... someone that went through something tragic... It just gives me the heebie jeebies. Right now, while I write this, I have goose bumps!




8. I fear poverty. I have been dirt poor... I fear poverty and not having enough food. I hate that food is something so important in my life. I wish I could just be neutral about it and let it just be an aspect in my life... but I cannot.

9. I fear Doctors. My knees shake, I sweat, I want to cry and run away. I cant eat or sleep... When I had my two children luckily a part of my mind shut down. If I can barely handle a finger prick without freaking out how could I handle giving birth I wondered. I ended up having a C/S and letting my mind go. I had too. I don't know how, but I did it...

10. I fear losing our planet and its species due to our own neglect/apathy/disrespect and being unconcerned. I know many don't believe in global warming... but there has to be consequences for the havoc and pollution we have reigned down on our beautiful planet. I don't want to live a life without Humongous Whales, Proud Lions, Lumbering Elephants and Wily Monkeys. Lets stop living just for ourselves and start realizing the choices we make today are the decisions that are shaping our future.

A mother's worst nightmare

Jack just scared me to death.

I sometimes let my boys play outside in our fenced backyard while I get dressed for work ... I crack the window and check on them every few minutes. We have a fenced backyard that is child proof and locked up tight! All of a sudden I hear Max crying at the door, I let him in and call for Jack... no answer, I scream, I yell, I say I am not mad... no answer. OMG, I about died. I was thinking someone climbed over the 8foot tall fence and took him or he fell and his head was bashed in and he couldn't answer.

The scenarios of what may have happened were running through my head as I frantically searched the small back yard, screaming and crying and trying to breathe through my complete and utter panic. The worst things a mom can think of ran through my head in a manner of seconds.

I was freaking out and crying... ready to call the police...then I come in and call again for him... he was on the couch!!! He decided to come in and not tell me. OMG. Of course I yell at him for scaring me and he cries while I cry and work through my anger and fear. Anger at myself for letting them play outside for even a minute alone, (even though there really is no risk, but we still doubt ourselves and everything we do at times like these) fear of losing one of the most important people in my life. Thank goodness Jack was just fine.

So, if I ever doubted my maternal feelings, or doubted I was a good and caring mother...this proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that although my actions may be flawed, I may make mistakes and say and do the wrong thing... I know this: I love my kids more than I love my own life. I would have died to keep my son safe. I will never doubt that again.