Jack just scared me to death.
I sometimes let my boys play outside in our fenced backyard while I get dressed for work ... I crack the window and check on them every few minutes. We have a fenced backyard that is child proof and locked up tight! All of a sudden I hear Max crying at the door, I let him in and call for Jack... no answer, I scream, I yell, I say I am not mad... no answer. OMG, I about died. I was thinking someone climbed over the 8foot tall fence and took him or he fell and his head was bashed in and he couldn't answer.
The scenarios of what may have happened were running through my head as I frantically searched the small back yard, screaming and crying and trying to breathe through my complete and utter panic. The worst things a mom can think of ran through my head in a manner of seconds.
I was freaking out and crying... ready to call the police...then I come in and call again for him... he was on the couch!!! He decided to come in and not tell me. OMG. Of course I yell at him for scaring me and he cries while I cry and work through my anger and fear. Anger at myself for letting them play outside for even a minute alone, (even though there really is no risk, but we still doubt ourselves and everything we do at times like these) fear of losing one of the most important people in my life. Thank goodness Jack was just fine.
So, if I ever doubted my maternal feelings, or doubted I was a good and caring mother...this proved to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that although my actions may be flawed, I may make mistakes and say and do the wrong thing... I know this: I love my kids more than I love my own life. I would have died to keep my son safe. I will never doubt that again.