Friendships lost and found.

I admit I am into my mommy forum. But as is bound to happen in large groups of women... DRAMA. The Internet is such a huge place, we hide behind screen names and cutesy avatars and pretend to be "Minxy Mimi" or "Peaches and Cream" or whomever we feel like being for the day. I always strive to be who I am, but sometimes my personality and posts are not taken as they are written.

Drama happens, and in most cases, its never one persons fault, its rarely clear cut, crystal clear or beyond the shadow of a doubt... life would be much simpler if it were. Personalities, priorities, and just plain old differences of thought, opinion and how we respond to things make us drift apart where we once were getting closer.

What we are left with is nagging doubts, a feeling of being left behind, a feeling of sadness knowing that friends we have shared so much with are now in some '"Never Never Land"... part of another board, making new friends (maybe cooler ones) and growing away from us.

In my heart of hearts I know that people who have moved on have made mistakes such as I have, have been right and have been wrong and are maybe feeling the same way I do. Although I hesitate to wish ill on anyone else, I wish for all of the friends that have moved on to know this feeling, to know that friends are worth fighting for and fighting with, as long as we do it together.

((Hugs)) to all that have been left behind and all that have moved on. All of you changed my life, even if its in the most minute way. I thank you all.

Wordless Wednesday

An ode to bedtime... my poor excuse for a poem.

My "attempt" at poetry! Robert Frost I am not!
Bedtime is always such a struggle with my oldest (Jack, almost 4) I feel like I win the "battle of all battles" every night. I deserve a medal. Why is it always so hard to get a little child to bed?



Finally, here I sit,
I am alone at last.
The screams have ended,
The debates are past.

Bedtime did come,
I feared it would not.
I hoped for one book
But for eight I got took.

Elmo is on the potty,
Thomas is in the yard
Would it really be bad
If I said “kiss my arse?”

I do not want to read
About the kitty in the well
I do not care at all
If she were pushed, or she fell.

But enough! Slumber is upon us
And as the day declines
I am finally alone
If I don’t count three sleeping felines!

Momdot has launched

I never can get links... go to:


http://www.momdot.com/


Its a great site, run by great people!!!

My Nephews 4th Birthday party!

This is more for my benefit than any loyal readers I may have!!! We went to my nephew's 4th Birthday party yesterday... who would have thought the scrawny, sickly and sad little boy my sister brought home from Russia at 8 months old would be 4 someday and be such an natural, crazy, fun, wild and enjoyable member of our family. He is my nephew in all ways, being a blood relative would not change my feelings for him in the slightest, I am sure. But, as my sister and I hoped and dreamed when I was pregnant with Jack and she was waiting to take Sean (then Vladimir) home... the boys became fast friends. Sometimes my eyes water and I have to pretend I am not getting misty at the thought of how many miles and cultures and red tape between Sean and our family that had to be overcome to bring this day into being. Enjoy!

The Birthday boy... what a mess!



Awesome Volcano cake!



Kids and cake... what a combo!



Max lovin the cupcakes!




Jack... same deal, diff pic!







My nephew on the slip and slide




Friends!



Jack having fun on the Slip N Slide!





Nothing better than a pool party!




Max chillin



My photogenic sweetie



Jack by the pool... we were watching~





Max...

I am an Academy Award Winner! Well...perhaps not

Toni, who's button will bring you straight to her amusing and fun blog nominated me for the above award! Thank you my fellow HP'er and Italian Sista!


Now, here are the rules if I nominate you!!! After that I will get to my nominations!


Once an award is received, the rules are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs.
4. Add links to those blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.


Here are my seven! Since I am blog challenged, I am going to add buttons as links to my nominees!

1. Fellow HP'er Wendi... she is from Alaska, has FIVE children (all adorable) and is a tell it like it is straight talking woman. I appreciate her wise ways!



2. Another fellow HP'er and one of the strongest and kindest women I know... read her story here:



3. Celeste... She is honest, and real and an amazing woman.. and yeah!!! She is from Canada too!



4. Kelly... funny, informative and just plain cool!


5. Heather... a truly inspirational woman, she and her daughter Sophie have been through so many trials and tribulations and are stronger for them


6. Susan... Living life with 3 boys and one man in an RV!! How she does it I will never know... check her out here.



7. Bridgette... she survived Katrina and much online drama! She is fun and spunky and like bugs!

Slightly Wordless Wednesday

Food is meant to be enjoyed, savored and worn, per my wise son Max.

Youre so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

OK, first off...Carly Simon rocks! Apparently not so Warren Beaty... LOL
I could not resist the title, excuse my corniness!
Vanity, Ego... I am not sure if its a fragile ego, or an over sized ego that makes people react and behave the way they do. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I work with 3 other people, I am the lowest on the totem pole which is fine by me. I make mistakes occasionally, I am new to the Financial Planning business, that's something to be expected. Even though I dislike being wrong, I own up to those mistakes. If I lied, who would I really be fooling anyways? My co-workers rarely ever admit when they are at fault, even when they are glaringly so. Its always blamed on me, and if I am not a possible scape goat, then its each other. Everyone there is older than me, why cant they be mature and admit their mistakes?
I see this everywhere...online and offline. Online it easier to avoid being at fault. Just don't answer a post/comment or turn it around on the other person. The thing is, the more you do that, the more others realize you are not being honest or to be more blunt, you are acting like a 2 year old...but you are not as cute as said 2 year old. Its not as adorable when a grown adult who professes to be mature does it. So please stop.
I have caught myself wanting to do it too... its human nature to not want to be embarrassed, or be blameless. But really, if you think of all the lessons we learn by making mistakes and owning up to them, we actually grow and become better and smarter people by making those errors.
Live your life as you please, but lets be honest about ourselves and our faults, weaknesses and strengths, this is a surefire way to become stronger and to earn the respect of the people who look up to you most...your children. This in turn will teach them some valuable life lessons about honesty, and having the inner strength to admit a wrong, and take from that mistake something that placing the blame elsewhere could not give them. Self worth, self respect and a healthy ego.

Agnostic/Atheist equals bad person???

I Seem to run into this misconception often. Agnostic/Atheists are bad people, to be pitied or shunned. I just don't understand why people are so narrow minded at times. The latest thing that happened, was on a www.momdot.com (a wonderful site full of awesome people and great information) I introduced myself and made mention of my blog and myself. I mentioned I am Agnostic (among many other things) for the benefit of any future readers I may have... I think trying to see another person's point of view is something we can all benefit from, if only to truly understand the world and people who live in the world around us. I received a cryptic comment back of "Not sure about the proclamation of being Agnostic..." as part of my welcome from this person to the group. I am not that easily offended, It is very minor in fact, but it brings back to me how often Agnostics and Atheists are maligned, misinterpreted and shunned. Here is the definition of an Agnostic: 

ag�nos�tic �� (g-nstk) KEY �

NOUN:

One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something


I have experienced this often in my "real life" not as much on my online life, altho someone once said on a forum I belonged to that she would not let her child play with an Agnostics/Atheists child. I wonder... what do you think we are going to do to your child? Force our views on your child's sponge like mind? In all my 40 years of living, Ive seen more Christians trying to spread the word. I don't pretend to know what is true or not, and I would never attempt to coerce anyone into thinking what I think. I think if we stop believing anyone who lives a life or has a creed or view that we do not share is a bad person, or a immoral person, then we would be better off. Many religions, creeds and people have been and will be guilty of this. I find it rather sad and frustrating to be honest. I am certainly not targeting Christians, I have many friends who are, more often than not as a matter of fact. I respect them, and they respect me.

See, I am who I am, I cannot or perhaps will not change. I am OK with the not knowing, with the mystery of it all. I don't want to, or need to believe in Heaven or Hell or God or Angels. I am content and happy and fulfilled. I try not to lie, judge or hurt another. I am a good friend and a loyal wife. I give to charity and I love animals and my babies. I am the same as any other person out there really. I just think a little differently. So next time you hear the scary word "Agnostic or Atheist" remember... we are people too, with families, pets, friends and most of us do have morals and care about others. Don't judge us based on what you think you know... get to know us first, before you label us.

Motherhood... do maternal feelings come naturally?

All the TV shows seem to think so... Soap Operas, Drama's even comedies seem to think so. I do not, or at least not in some cases. I am one of those people! I am someone who loved the idea of having a child...when the child came, sometimes I wondered what the heck I was thinking those many months ago. This is going to shock a few, maybe disgust some... but I did not love my baby when he was born. I wanted to protect him, he amazed me with how much hair he had, how blue his eyes were, how he had my dimpled chin. But I did not love him. I wanted to love him, quite desperately... but I didn't yet. That was something that would come, with time and along with my amazing journey into the heart of Motherhood.

I was disappointed. Magazines, books, Internet articles all made me feel like I would be so in love, even before the baby was born... but it didn't happen. I felt like I was somehow flawed, passed by when Maternal Feelings were passed out. I felt almost like a failure... Finally I talked to others on the Internet and did some research and found out it wasn't that uncommon after all. It just felt uncommon when I saw so many new mothers rave about the love they felt for their new baby... sometimes although I was envious, it felt in some cases to be almost forced. I think a few women, like myself... are afraid to say how they really feel. It makes you feel inadequate and a failure at times to not love your own new baby. Like most things in my life, I then decided to do things in my own, unique way, and stop pretending to be like every other mom I saw on the TV, or in person... and soon enough, the love came. Its funny, it felt almost like an awakening... my heart began to slowly open to this new little person I was getting to know...until suddenly one day I realized. WOW! I really do love him.
Now I realize, I am a good mother, Yes, I yell. Yes, the kids get candy and juice. But now I know why I would die for my children, why mothers are revered as Saints, why Mothers are put on a pedestal and why Mothers can make or break a child's fragile spirit. Its love, Sometimes it hard earned, but its worth the journey of no sleep, poopie nappies, screaming infants at 3 AM... I am a good Mother because I try to be one and because I love.

Why are so many people self-delusional?

Why do we refuse to face our problems head on? Why do we cover up our own bad behaviour or our spouses? I don't get it. With age comes wisdom, so at my advanced age (LOL) Ive learned that not dealing with or avoiding issues makes them worse, they do not go away... Why do we lie to ourselves and others that things are so wonderful when believe me, no one is fooled, not even ourselves.

I learned this some time ago when I had a loser B/F who took advantage of me and I let him. I deluded myself and told myself he really, truly loved me... not because I enabled his lack of responsibility, and I let him get away with things I would never allow now.

Women especially seem to delude themselves the most. Some women think that if they just pretend their husbands are wonderful, respectful, caring men who will help with the kids and stop being lazy, video gaming slobs (This is the most common complaint I hear on my forum and in real life)... then POOF! They become so. No-one is really fooled.

I wish I could give all women the benefit of my (dubious!) wisdom. I wish I could make women see that they need to fix themselves first and foremost. Nobody can fix another. Women need to see that they are lovely, desirable and worthy ... women who DESERVE a man who treats them as an equal partner in the marriage/relationship. A man who helps them, who realizes children are a wonderful, if annoying gift that they need to be equally involved with. A man who realizes staying at home or working, that his woman is doing a job that she deserves praise for.

This seems to be something I think about a lot. I see so many women who let themselves be treated with disrespect or apathy and it makes me sad. I do not have a prefect marriage, I never claimed to. What I do have is a wonderful man who helps me with anything I need help with, he stands by me, he supports me and he is a better father sometimes than I am a mother. We are not perfect people, but we have a perfect love for each other. I want this for everyone.

Ive stopped pretending that I am not fat, I am not a Nervous Nellie, I am not a bossy person, I am not a sometimes harsh person. I try to deal with my flaws and grow and not make my families pay for my denial. Some days I am more succesful than others, I am not perfect. Self discovery is a scary yet powerful and awesome gift we can all give to ourselves. Its worth the sometimes unpleasant truths about ourselves we have to face, this is what gives us wisdom and empathy and makes us strong, confidant, and caring people who raise strong, confident and caring children. This is the gift we give to the world.

Lessons and wisdom learned from General Hospital!

OK, I know Soap Operas are viewed by many as mindless, maudlin trash. I disagree. Ive learned many helpful things from GH, and Ive cried many happy tears and sad tears for people who although are not real, are real to me. Ive learned that love can transcend death and make people do the craziest things because they want to keep the person they love from harm... if you truly love someone you must have at one time done one of three things.
1. Taken a murder rap for your beloved that killed an ex who was obsessed with them and could not come to grips with the fact that their "one true love" left them for you!
2. Pretend you do not love your most beloved because a murderer/psychopath is threatening his/her life. Pretend this even though just a week before you were making wedding plans. She/He will protest for awhile and then resign themselves and possibly have children with a crazy ex and the situation will lead to #1... but I digress.
3. Put up with the most outlandish situations, forgive the worst transgressions... adultery, murderous intentions, lies, bribery... all done TO you by your beloved! Realize that he/she has had an awful childhood being raised by a mob boss/unresponsive wealthy family/poor achoholic's and they only do these things out of desperation. They are truly remorseful.
If you can do these three things, you know its true love!
What Ive learned about myself, is that if I lived in Port Charles I would pick all the wrong men to love, but OH.. would I be in Heaven, or Hell... not sure which, or even if I truly care which! So, even though Prince Nicholas is a hottie, with lovely manners and a Gothic castle called "Wyndemere" I still find him a bit dull... he needs to get an evil twin or have a life altering experience and become a bit more evil for me. Sonny, while not my style has a darling set of dimples... being a murderous mob boss helps with his appeal. Jason... Jason... what can I say... intense blue eyes, calm and cool while being a mob hit man.. Yet he can turn around and help the helpless, and is noble...he will not use his families vast wealth for his own purposes... even if he did remember them (he has amnesia) I doubt he would. And oh!!! Who can forget Mr. Craig AKA Jerry Jax? He has all the attributes I love. He is a psychopath who took a whole lobby of people hostage and blew the lobby up before escaping, he is the brother of the very kind (and a bit boring) Jasper Jax. But he has slightly reformed and is romancing the beautiful and intelligent Alexis!!! OH, how I long to be Alexis. He also has a lovely accent. **Shivers** this is the epitome of the perfect Port Charles man to me.
I have learned that its a good thing I do not live in Port Charles... my poor safety loving soul could not take it.
So, in essence, yes, Soap Operas can be mindless, maudlin trash. This is true. But the writers have an amazing gift to make you love, hate and watch them day in and day out for years. I am not ashamed, I am not embarrassed to say I am a Soap Opera watcher. Some very intelligent people I know watch GH... My boss, and my husband! I stand proud!!!

Angelina...love her, or hate her?

I already know so many people hate Angelina Jolie... I have a hard time with the whys of it. Its funny to me that so many people dislike her, even hate her and for what? Because it is "assumed" that she stole Brad away from the insipid Jen. (insipid is obviously my choice of words) Marriage... it goes both ways, one party may be the only one at fault in times of divorce, or cheating...but usually its something that both parties in the marriage had a hand in. But as usual its the "other woman" who gets all the blame. I personally think the reason why most people hate Angie (besides the obvious jealousy) and love Jen is because WE THINK Jen represents us ( I don't think we give ourselves enough credit, honestly)...as the average American woman. We identify with her. Where Angie is exotic, voluptuous and sometimes a mystery... how can a woman who supposedly broke up the happiest marriage ever (and kissed her own brother...on the lips!!!) be a goodwill ambassador, campaign endlessly for refugees in war torn countries, care for the children who have been orphaned and left to die, adopt children who could have and most likely would have come to a much different place in life, maybe even have died if they were not saved. How can we reconcile that Jezebel with what some would call a Madonna for her passion to help children...
I think Angelina like so many other women is a study in contrasts. We can be horrible mean PMS'ing Medusa's, and in the blink of an eye we can be the most nurturing, loving and comforting mothers that ever walked this earth. We can be catty gossips, and we can be there in support for that same person we just bashed an hour ago.
I think that Angelina just may have been a big reason that the Brad/Jen marriage broke up... sometimes you do things, and say things and commit actions you might not do when you love. I know I have, and while I am not proud of it, I am proud of the fact that I am a woman who has deep passions. I do not think she is an "immoral hussy" I think she is a complex woman who has made mistakes and is being condemned for life because of it. No matter how much good she does in her lifetime it will never be enough to make up for the mistakes she might have made...even tho many of us have made the same ones... you may not have, but your best friend may have, your mother in law, your Aunt or your supermarket checker... yet we would never condemn them for it (at least not for life) Why is it different for her?

Why do some women like to be known as a "Bitch"?

This is something I have always wondered...whats so great about sounding like a sailor on leave? Whats so great about wounding people's feelings, Whats so great about disregarding others POV? Whats so great about riding roughshod over someone else just to get "what I deserve"?
I just don't get it. What ever happened to manners? What ever happened to caring about others feelings? What ever happened to getting to the top without crushing all the little peons beneath you? Yes, as women we used to be expected to be the nurturer, the one who gave in...but in most cases, men and women are equal now... we don't need to blame our "bitchiness" on anything so "last year" LOL
I see licence plates like "0-bitch in 10 seconds" or other nonsense like that, and it just makes me wonder who these women are and how many men have they left in the dust with the attitude of "I should get what I want and woe to anyone else" Don't get me wrong... I am not a subservient woman who bends over backwards to take care of my mans needs. No, my husband and I enjoy a very happy marriage with equal participation. We are equals who try our very best to take care of the other without sacrificing who we are. I just wonder why anyone would want to be known as a bitch... do men want to be known as bastards, sons of bitches (LOL) or pricks or the like?
I just wish that people would stop and look at their behaviour in the mirror and realize that the bad behaviour they exhibit today, will reflect on them and perhaps make a whole new generation of bitches. As always, this is JMHO and I am sorry for the rambling.

Marriages, men and women

Ok, why do so many women complain about their husbands/SO's when they just turn around and excuse the behaviour an hour later? Why do women have children and keep having children with men who do not help out with them, do not help with the household, do not care for the children at all... UNLESS the woman guilts them into it, or forces their hand. It annoys me to no end to hear constant complaining about bad husbands when I want to scream "You knew this when you married him, you knew this when you decided to have child number 1, and 2 and sometimes 3! with him...why do you think it will change when you let him treat you like crap and ignore your kids together?" But I keep my mouth shut, I keep the peace...usually!!!
I am not talking about husbands who are just a little lazy, a bit clueless...heck, that's me!!! I am talking about what I call "Serial Slackers" men who do nothing, expect everything and viola!!! the woman does it. Have some frickin pride. JMHO

Friends...or why is it so hard to have some

I swear, I am not a scary devil worshipping Atheist, I am a normal person, I have a job, I have kids, I have interests... I am fat AKA chunky AKA Fluffy...ect....and P.S. I am Agnostic, not an Atheist... When I was home and not working, I was always on the lookout for friends to hang with, to have play dates with my kids... I was virtually ignored at the park, even though I am a friendly person and I smile at people. I started to think (and I still do) that it was my fat self that made people not want to talk to me. I think I was a victim of stereotyping. I was categorized as fat, lazy and white trash. When someone did talk to me, when I did not respond to the inevitable "religious" talk (I live in a super conservative town, we have a ton of churches) I was then ignored next time we crossed paths at the park. I never had a problem making friends when I lived in a more diverse town...whats the deal? Was it me? I mean, I didn't start talking Harry Potter and how I am hot for Lucius Malfoy or anything... LOL!!! Even I might run away from that kind of talk at a first meeting! Personally, I think its because I am not "cookie cutter" like so many women aspire to be. I wonder if its almost like the men who enjoy bigger women but wont go out with them because their friends might make fun of them... Hmmmmm
Oh well... I enjoy my life and my kids... I just wish I had a friend (that lives close by) I could share my thoughts, problems and dreams with. I do have to give a shout out to my Internet friends who love me for who I am, or maybe in spite of who I am... LOL!!!

Newbie Blogger...unplugged!

I am new to this blog business, so cut me some slack. I am a Californian, and not what you would expect. I am not blond, 5'9 and 100 Lbs... I am a short, fat Italian and I am rather proud of that, I am proud I am accepting of who I am. I am officially Agnostic in a town of hard core conservative Christians. I have two adorable boys, Jack and Max (This I know, I am not self-deluded) I have an awesome husband who is what I call a "Real man" (meaning he loves me and cares about and for our children and helps around the house, with nary a complaint, all while working full time) This blog will not be about "life in my fat body" or "life as an outcast" ect... at least not all the time. Its about me, my musings and why I always feel I am always right...LOL
Feel free to ask questions, comment and tell me what you want to hear me blog about!!!