Saturday, July 19, 2008

Motherhood... do maternal feelings come naturally?

All the TV shows seem to think so... Soap Operas, Drama's even comedies seem to think so. I do not, or at least not in some cases. I am one of those people! I am someone who loved the idea of having a child...when the child came, sometimes I wondered what the heck I was thinking those many months ago. This is going to shock a few, maybe disgust some... but I did not love my baby when he was born. I wanted to protect him, he amazed me with how much hair he had, how blue his eyes were, how he had my dimpled chin. But I did not love him. I wanted to love him, quite desperately... but I didn't yet. That was something that would come, with time and along with my amazing journey into the heart of Motherhood.

I was disappointed. Magazines, books, Internet articles all made me feel like I would be so in love, even before the baby was born... but it didn't happen. I felt like I was somehow flawed, passed by when Maternal Feelings were passed out. I felt almost like a failure... Finally I talked to others on the Internet and did some research and found out it wasn't that uncommon after all. It just felt uncommon when I saw so many new mothers rave about the love they felt for their new baby... sometimes although I was envious, it felt in some cases to be almost forced. I think a few women, like myself... are afraid to say how they really feel. It makes you feel inadequate and a failure at times to not love your own new baby. Like most things in my life, I then decided to do things in my own, unique way, and stop pretending to be like every other mom I saw on the TV, or in person... and soon enough, the love came. Its funny, it felt almost like an awakening... my heart began to slowly open to this new little person I was getting to know...until suddenly one day I realized. WOW! I really do love him.
Now I realize, I am a good mother, Yes, I yell. Yes, the kids get candy and juice. But now I know why I would die for my children, why mothers are revered as Saints, why Mothers are put on a pedestal and why Mothers can make or break a child's fragile spirit. Its love, Sometimes it hard earned, but its worth the journey of no sleep, poopie nappies, screaming infants at 3 AM... I am a good Mother because I try to be one and because I love.

6 comments:

Celeste said...

Mimi I'm with you. I didn't love my daughter either right off. In fact I was worried that I had made a mistake I was so overwhelmed. The love came and now I'd do anything for her. I just think that some of us need time to warm up to things. Let's face it. parenting is a huge adjustment.

Jessica said...

ooo minxy...love the button. HUGS I was full in love with Connor when he was born, it took me at least yr to FULLY love James like I do Connor. I just wasn't ready emotionally for another baby

Celeste said...

Totally off topic but what a great button ! I have added it to a promenent spot on my site.

My3sons said...

I know you're a great mom, and a completely normal one too. Thanks for post this. There are too few who make this known.

Wendi said...

just depends on the person....honestly it does not make anyone a bad person if they did not immediately fall inlove with their child....circumstances can and do get in the way sometimes....but like you state, if it came down to your life or your childs life....you would choose to have your child live on...and THAT makes you the BEST mother in the world!!!

Karyn with a Y said...

This is my fear with my second baby. You may have to help me! Thanks for being open and honest about it. I think you are a great mom.