I have started a new eating regimen... I do not starve myself, I just eat healthier, low calorie meals and snacks. I do have a free day on the weekend and I look forward to that ALL week! I have now lost in three weeks 5 lbs!!! YAY I look better, feel better, and I feel like I can keep this up...for the first time in my life. I am sure I will fall off the wagon and eat a whole cheesecake one day, or a giant cinnabon... but I am making a promise to myself to be better. I want my kids to be healthy individuals and how can I get them to make better choices if I do not?
But, I have to admit part of me is torn on my happiness with such an insignificant thing (in the general scheme of life) The goal of my life is to be happy, be kind, raise moral, gentle, kind and ethical children, live life to the fullest and feel every emotion and not hold back. Ive accomplished this, especially in these last 5 years. Ive gotten married to a wonderful man, gained a whole new awesome family... had two amazing children, adopted three wonderful kitties and been through good and bad, enlightenment and disillusionment... and Ive come out on top! I made it through.... so why does losing weight mean so much to me?
It makes me feel shallow. It makes me feel like I am conforming to society and their expectations and restrictions. It makes me feel like I am like those silly women who ask always "does my butt look big in this?" (sorry if that's you and I offend you, but I don't get it... we are all so worried and I am sure no-one but us notices)
I don't want to be like everyone else so I can fit in, and never get a second glance. I don't want to live my life worrying about the size of my butt. I want to eat, I want to enjoy my food, I want to savor a piece of cheesecake, a piece of pizza, fried shrimp...without beating myself up and feeling like a failure.
So, I am proud that Ive made better choices for myself... but I want to be doing it for the right reasons. I don't want to do it to be the ideal woman (per the media) I have no desire to look like Kate Moss on drugs.
But I do want to be here for these guys...
I guess that's worth conforming to society after all.