Monday, November 3, 2008

I think Ive been a naughty girl. I need to confess my sins.

OK, so as a few of you who have read my blog, I think I am a mature, kind, unbiased (to some extent) dare I say an even tempered and humor finding person? Well, yes... I did dare to say it, didn't I? So, I have been aware of my tendency to live in the past, to carry on hurts, to have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I think I transfer my anger and disappointment in people into sarcastic comments and ambiguous blog posts and comments. Its not well done of me, but it is me. Its hard to change a life long character trait...or flaw. Depending on who you ask.

I am aware that every post I make, or comment I make is probably suspect, or suspected to be something more... sometimes it is, sometimes not. Or maybe I am just fooling myself that this person ever really cared for me at all, or still does think of me. I just wish that I could pretend to not care, not feel hurt and not still feel the indignation and anger that flares up in me when I least expect it. Thank goodness it gets better every day.

I have to say this: You were wrong, you made mistakes and you HURT good, kind people. You hurt me, and I was loyal for a long time, way too long. And yes, "You" know who you are. I was not blameless... but I have admitted my part in things, admitted my faults... too bad self-knowledge and the want and need for it, isn't something you can gift to another. Because I would give you this gift. You would find yourself to be a flawed person... but I think by cutting out the things that are bad in ourselves, we graft in the good. I know it has worked this way for me.

So, I know this post once again will make no sense to a few people...but its something I needed to say. Because I cannot say it to the person I would like to... that person would not listen. It makes me sad actually. Sad that in order to be right, that person has thrown away good friends. I also know that no matter what I say, this post will just be excused and disregarded as jealousy, spite, unkindness... Just think of it as one last loyal deed I have done for you. I am still loyal enough to want for you what I think you could have, could have had. Not kiss-ups, not yes men but Real Friendship. Real friends who tell you what you want to hear, and what you don't. That is real friendship and a gift worth risking everything for.


Toni said...

Oh man mimi you posted so many of my feelings right there I could go post the exact same post. I whole heartedly feel bad for that person as well as the person of mine that is like that. It is so unfortunate to throw away friendships or to lose friends because you can not admit your wrong kwim.

I still want the best for the person of my past, some may not understand that. I will never allow myself to be used and hurt by them again but I unlike some will carry their secrets to the grave because that is what a good friend does. I am so glad I have you and so many others that were there to support me when some turned thier back on me.

I still only hope for the best for them but my life is better now. I hope that they can see their faults and realize not everyone is out to get them and just maybe sometimes its okay to not have to control evereyone and everything around them.

Denise said...

I don't know what happened with your 'friend' but I sure could have written that post too! I am hurt, I am STILL hurt, even though I had to let the friendship go. There are MANY things I'd still like to say to this person - but it always falls on deaf ears. She is always right...according to her...ALWAYS. Everyone else is always wrong. :( It's sad.

I can say my life IS more serene without her in it - but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at times and I don't miss her.

I know my "friend" still reads my blog - I see her sign in to read it. Maybe I will find courage and strength in your post and post something similar.

(((BIG HUGE HUGS)))) to you my friend!

sheila said...

Well, I have no frickin idea what you're talking about, but I can definately relate! LOL

I can hold a grudge forever. If my husband pisses me off, I can go a week (or two) without uttering a word. That's just life we me.

Everything works out eventually no matter what the process is in getting there. Right?

Simply AnonyMom said...

I know not who you speak of. However I think you are a wonderful person. You tell it like it is. You hold no punches. You are TRUTHFUL. You are MY FRIEND. I am glad to have met you in this huge blogging universe. I hope you know that many more people are glad to have you in their "lives" and happy to hear from you and read your posts.

((HUGS)) you to and a big one finger salute to whomever has hurt you.

Kristina P. said...

I think most women have been in a similar situation. I recently had to break off a very long friendship because of a lot of hurtful things to me.

She has admitted that it was her fault, and I wish her the best, but I can't have her in my life anymore.

I am sorry your friend hurt you. Sometimes, it's worse that breaking up with a boyfriend.

Kelly said...

Well said! Love you Mimi!

Saundra@An Italian Mama Gone Crazy said...

Sometime people are a literal cancer on our lives, and we just plain ol' need to cut them out completely.

The pain is there in the beginning, but it does subside.

one day I'll share what a friend did to me.

Minxy Mimi said...

Thank you ALL so much. I appreciate the support and the feeling that I am not alone in this experience. I thank you all, Simply Anonymom, you are very sweet. I am so glad to have found you (all of you) in this big blog world!

JLT6907 said...

hey mimi great post! i also feel this way sometimes too.

i was wondering if you wanted to sponsor a contest for my blog with some of your soaps? do you have any christmas ones? let me know, thanks!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry that someone is treating you like this -- it's not fair. I think we've all been there at one point or another. :(

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