OK, so as a few of you who have read my blog, I think I am a mature, kind, unbiased (to some extent) dare I say an even tempered and humor finding person? Well, yes... I did dare to say it, didn't I? So, I have been aware of my tendency to live in the past, to carry on hurts, to have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I think I transfer my anger and disappointment in people into sarcastic comments and ambiguous blog posts and comments. Its not well done of me, but it is me. Its hard to change a life long character trait...or flaw. Depending on who you ask.
I am aware that every post I make, or comment I make is probably suspect, or suspected to be something more... sometimes it is, sometimes not. Or maybe I am just fooling myself that this person ever really cared for me at all, or still does think of me. I just wish that I could pretend to not care, not feel hurt and not still feel the indignation and anger that flares up in me when I least expect it. Thank goodness it gets better every day.
I have to say this: You were wrong, you made mistakes and you HURT good, kind people. You hurt me, and I was loyal for a long time, way too long. And yes, "You" know who you are. I was not blameless... but I have admitted my part in things, admitted my faults... too bad self-knowledge and the want and need for it, isn't something you can gift to another. Because I would give you this gift. You would find yourself to be a flawed person... but I think by cutting out the things that are bad in ourselves, we graft in the good. I know it has worked this way for me.
So, I know this post once again will make no sense to a few people...but its something I needed to say. Because I cannot say it to the person I would like to... that person would not listen. It makes me sad actually. Sad that in order to be right, that person has thrown away good friends. I also know that no matter what I say, this post will just be excused and disregarded as jealousy, spite, unkindness... Just think of it as one last loyal deed I have done for you. I am still loyal enough to want for you what I think you could have, could have had. Not kiss-ups, not yes men but Real Friendship. Real friends who tell you what you want to hear, and what you don't. That is real friendship and a gift worth risking everything for.